Kate Nash’s “Navy Taxi” played four times through before I felt woozy from the steam; a fog, a haze. And I’d hoped if I spent enough time there my heart would start to open the way pores do, to release dirt and the debris from being destroyed by the one you love. Softening the layers of dead skin left by this one and the ones before.
This time, it will be different. This time it will be different. This time, it will be, different.
I like my showers hot and my lovers cold and this song to remind me that I over and over choose paths that lead me back to sitting down in showers and standing up for boys who don’t love me the way I need them to.
I’m stubborn and I’ll shout and I’ll cut you out and I’ll make you feel like I never wanted to make you feel.
Have you ever tried to soften your sharp edges for the sake of fitting into his circle? Filing away until I was as dull as they were. That’s when they each thought they loved me most, when I was no longer me, but more like everyone else they’ve ever loved, lost, or let go of – when I became just another brick in the wall they were building between who they claim to be and the shape they take in the dark.
Sweetheart, don’t let someone put you in a box.
Or a circle, space, or square of any sort. Because you are fluid, only solid at your core. Ever-changing, evolving, expanding and then contracting with intention because you’ve spent enough time testing your limits to know you can’t always go back to the way things used to be. There will be some who will want to dive into the darkest depths of your ocean; they usually end up surface level grasping for air – used to shallower waters and cursing you for the challenge. This is not a reflection of you. You are not too much as a result of their being too little. You are not what they say you are, not always. You are not a black hole. You are the Milky Way for those who know where to look. You are the answer, the question, and most importantly, a statement; of beauty, and poise, and strength, and stability, and of all the other things that boys don’t truly appreciate until you’re gone.
So I’ll take all that other stuff that I said before and I’m gonna make it work.