i was used to being ripped open like a toy on christmas morning, met with disappointment when they realized it was all recalled parts and batteries that needed charging

this one savored me like hard candy, waited years before i melted in his mouth 

piled up my protective layers as save for laters, used em to build me back up every time i forgot what i was made of

i had lovers that asked me to live outside of the box. but where else would i go? ohh you must have misunderstood, i dont bend that way. or at all. flexible isn’t in my vocabulary nor is it on my to do list 

but this one climbed in and said square is my favorite shape, make room for one more. looked around and said i like your edges, how’d you get em so sharp? took the weight off my shoulders and used em to anchor me to the right now 

this one, he has me walking home from the train at a proper new yorkers pace, seeing color in spaces no one ever shined a light. has me believing my wildest dreams weren’t big enough because i never could have dreamt up a love so colossal it calmed me to my core. couldn’t have imagined being satiated by a slow burn after spending years loving boys who poured gasoline on my fire fun 

the wrong one will have you convinced it’s all about the thrill of the chase. but don’t let em fool you, it’s slow and steady that wins the race.

-tbrumm

when i think about you it’s all fresh air, cold beer, hot temper.

if i dig deep i can hear laughter from the cab of your ford pickup where you’d sprawl out sleeping bags and coloring books for long road trips and be the guy mom swears she married. sweet music, big laughter, little luxuries.

but what sits at the surface are the many times i asked you to stop drinking and the way you laughed, the way you were sure a 10 year old couldn’t have possibly understood all the abuse she saw. 

the way you laughed and pushed the door closed that time i walked in on you kneeling over the toilet with a carton of orange juice at the ready; an alcoholics remedy for withdrawal. 

since your passing i listen to noah kahan’s “orange juice” and cry because i never thought to ask you where you’d gone, why’d you go? just always why you never loved me enough to stay; proud of me, sober, alive. 

maybe i don’t give enough credit to all of the ways the world put rocks in your pockets and told you drowning was the only way to survive. 

but my first word was “dada” later followed by “no”, do with that what you will. i could’ve sworn i was resolved but decades have passed and so have you and what remains is this hole in my heart that only you could’ve filled. 

when you’re little they tell you to watch out for strangers and forget to mention it’s the familiar faces saying “don’t forget where you came from” that you’ll want to stay away from most. 

the ones saying “don’t forget your roots” as they rip you from the dirt to feast on what you’ve harvested. angry at a world that chewed them up and spit them out and taking a bite out of you is the only way they know how to cope.

you’d often tell me “no one will ever love you the way i do, i’ll be waiting right here for you when the bottom falls out.” beer in hand and my blood seeping from the corners of your mouth. 

-tbrumm

if i throw away all the cards and hand written letters it’s almost like we never met. they say actions speak louder than words but you were spinning sweet nothings on full volume and i didn’t realize then that if i just cancelled all the noise there’d have been nothing left.

i guess the difference is i meant every word i said over the years; good, bad and in between. but when you said i was a perfect match you just meant easy to manipulate, manageable, a maybe-one-day-mrs just to set the scene.

and i think what happens is i give the benefit of the doubt until i doubt the deepest parts of my worth. if you meant one thing for sure it was that i had a blue collar upbringing you thought made you more diverse.

god damn i so badly wanted to believe i was more than a part cast in your coming of age story plot, but i guess it’s true what they say, a leopard never changes its spots.

-tbrumm

i had a dream i stood beneath an orange sky and sure enough woke up to see a storm brewing on the horizon. same outfit, same routine. thought you’d have evolved but you’re exactly the same you’ve always been.

what was it halsey said…you can’t fill that hole inside of you with money, drugs, and cars? oh i feel so sorry, oh i feel so sad? i just know clout chasing can be real addicting and baby you’ve got it bad.

eyes darting like if i caught yours you might burn to the ground. me the fire breathing dragon, you rapunzel in her castle. never saw your lovers climbing in our window but in hindsight i wouldn’t put it past you.

maxing out 1975s “love it if we made it” probably because we knew deep down we couldn’t. probably knew one of us would sacrifice peace for perception and one of us wouldn’t.

don’t need a truth or dare to say out loud or in ink how much i loved you, how you brought me worlds closer to who i thought i wanted to be. but go ahead and tell ‘em, tell ‘em the things you told me.

-tbrumm

i dream about closure because i know you well enough to know you’d never let me have it because you leave nothing but loose ends, straws to grasp at, an old pair of sweats you slip into when you’re looking for something more elastic

can’t even make eye contact in fear of acknowledgement but here you are parading around a disingenuous and spite-fueled accomplishment. afraid you might be forced back to reality from a delusional subcontinent

afraid you might use it as a jab the next time you go for the jugular, the next time you do something to remind her your love is never singular. always a warm body never anybody in particular

i know you’d never hand me peace in fear you’d have none of me left to hold onto. making sure to remind me i used to have all and then most of you, then some and now none of you

so you saturate my dreams instead. clenching my heart in your fists and putting pressure on my softest parts because to go down swingin’ was the only way we ever knew how to coexist

merging into traffic on the BQE you asked if i remembered when we were the same, “just as mean”. when we used our anger to justify bad habits, revisited our traumas daily, and called it a routine. stripping each other down to the studs right before we’d attempt a game of popcorn on a rusted trampoline

and without fail you’d put every ounce of weight into attempting to take the ground out from under me while making my arms flail wide open. no sign of remorse for what you were knowingly trying to set into motion, blaming me in the end for the causalities of such an explosion

spent years hoping you’d love me to peace instead of pieces, but what time doesn’t tell it sure teaches. because honey, you’re familiar like my mirror years ago but you slithered here all the way from eden just to prove what i already know: if we’re not careful, we’ll be strangled by the weeds we don’t outgrow.

-tbrumm

he’s from the sunshine state and i’ll be the first to say his love burns me deeper than any uv ray…the vitamin d dose my michigan psychiatrist said i needed since age 15 in order to keep the demons at bay

deep creased eye smiles with subliminal meaning showing me there’s vibrato and a whole lot of forevers in our even keel-ing

and if i’ve ever felt empty i forget all about it when i hear him laugh because every bad thing i’ve ever felt shrinks to next to nothing to make room for him, my better half

and if i’ve ever felt defeated i remember when i look him in the eye that everything happens for a reason and he’s my who, what and why.

-tbrumm

on august 16th of 2015 i wrote “cherish kyle souza” in my journal and as hard as it is to believe, i can still find that feeling in a pot of memories that boiled to the top and evaporated into a home that had dried out. a home i poured my whole soul into but clogged on the abundance and 7 years later i find myself walking past 31 diamond st in a brooklyn snow flurry after a few gin martinis, thinking about the time your friend tommy taught me how to enjoy them, about the time we sat at the bar on the corner and decided this apartment was the answer to our emptiness. and somehow i feel a gratitude i didn’t feel when i left, when my friends carried 5 years of history down 5 flights of stairs and your only response was “i want the keys back”. grateful for all you taught me, the mirror you stood in front of me. all the insults we let burn holes in one another like a lit cigarette being thrown into the street. we always said the end would be petty because we felt too much for each other to let it feel like nothing, too much misery to not bring company to witness.

you used to deem this our neighborhood; a place we washed our dirties and claimed our relationship clean. a place we thought we could find the love we were lacking but in the end only highlighted the space in between.

-tbrumm

i used to feel just like that; jealous and angry at the sight of anything that reminded me how fragile it all really is. how it isn’t much at all without the chaos. and how stupid i felt for not seeing it sooner. how i was just filling up the empty space he’s never learned to fill on his own. how i wasn’t chosen, just a replacement for the one smart enough to walk away before me. a short term lease renewed out of convenience. and here we are watching the reboot, knowing it’s bad before it starts because we’ve already seen the original. we’ve been the girl screaming for attention in hopes someone hears all the things we’re not saying and drags us out by our hair. we know how exhausting the never ending blending can be. how he blends into whatever surrounds him, whether that’s a sports team or another woman. blending to buffer the insecurity, blending to break you down to bits and pieces he can swallow whole.

-tbrumm

the bqe at a tight 45 and a salt that won’t leave the air until september. a skyline that used to feel so out of reach but you smear daily keeping with the pace, keeping a finger on the pulse. everything it took to get you here collecting like dust on the dashboard trying to block your view. but it really changed your life, your perspective, and there’s no unseeing that. this place really gave you a chance. hell, a million little chances to be a million different things. new york saved you from what you would have been had you stayed. or shit…really saved you from what you would have remained: small minded, ignorant, so blind and so proud of it.

-tbrumm